


Fuel the Fire

by Astronaut_Milky



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Body Worship, Break Up, Canon Compliant, Insecurity, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Post-Break Up, Post-Canon, Self-Hatred, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-17
Updated: 2017-12-21
Packaged: 2019-02-16 00:27:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13042713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Astronaut_Milky/pseuds/Astronaut_Milky
Summary: At first, it was little glances. So minute Sonny could barely register them at first, mostly because they either prefaced or followed a snide remark in his direction. Either way, he couldn't have known what it all meant at the time.





	1. Monster

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to Pain.  
> So I've decided to take another crack at an angsty songfic series.
> 
> All the good stuff in this came from tobeconspicuous, who gave this a thorough edit, while also supporting my ridiculous desire to inflict pain.
> 
> I'd just like to say that this fic will deal with a lot of internalised homophobia, and that everyone has their own experiences with this. The way the characters in this fic deal with it, or experience it, are closely tied to my own experiences growing up. Consider this my own self-projection, as I do with every fic ever.
> 
> Kudos and comments are always appreciated!
> 
> Song: Midnight Train - Sam Smith

Sonny Carisi decided to leave at exactly 3:12am on a Saturday morning. The time he knew, because Rafael's clock glowed throughout the bedroom, a reminder that this was real. That this had happened. That this was Sonny’s truth.

 

 

At first, it was little glances. So minute Sonny could barely register them at first, mostly because they either prefaced or followed a snide remark in his direction. Either way, he couldn't have known what it all meant at the time.

Little glances turned into longer stares, and Sonny began to pick up on them more and more. The meaning, or intention, behind these looks evaded him.

Maybe Rafael had just grown to tolerate him? That wasn't ideal, but he would accept it.

Perhaps Rafael had grown to respect him? It would have been more than enough, to have the respect of someone who he greatly admired.

The other option…

 

 

When he stepped into Rafael's office, he wasn't sure what to expect. All he knew was that he felt nervous, sick.

“You asked to see me, Counselor?” He remained in the doorway, unsure of where to go.

“I did. Take a seat, Carisi.”

Last name. That meant nothing. Or did it mean everything?

Sonny followed his orders, sitting across from the lawyer, who was typing on his phone.

“Is it the case?”

Rafael brought his eyes up, raising an eyebrow as if he was amused.

“No, not the case.” He placed the phone gently onto the desk. Sonny tracked the movement, his eyes lingering on Rafael's long fingers.

_Stop._

He shook his head ever so slightly.

“What is it?”

Rafael smirked, as if he knew some great secret Sonny didn't. Maybe he did.

“This Friday. Are you doing anything?”

Sonny racked his brain.

“Uh, don't think so.”

Rafael tilted his head to the side. “Would you like to be?”

“Sure. Just text me where and I'll forward it to the squad.”

Rafael went from amused to confused in a heartbeat. “The squad?”

Sonny was now confused also.

“Aren’t they-”

“Are you-”

They spoke at the same time, before letting out a breathy, awkward laugh.

“Carisi, I was thinking maybe it could be the two of us.”

It all came crashing onto him.

A date.

It would be a date.

He was equal parts excited and disgusted.

He swallowed down the disgust, and fought to keep the excitement brewing.

“That sounds good.”

He internally cringed at the stale acceptance, and although Rafael smirked knowingly, he let it go.

 

 

Friday night arrived much sooner than Sonny was ready for. All day he had reached for his phone at least twice an hour to cancel, to come up with a justifiable excuse as to why he couldn’t go through with it. Illness, death in the family, babysitting - they were all options. However he knew Rafael would see through all of them.

He didn’t want to cancel.

Well, he did.

But he _really didn’t._

He was truly attracted to Rafael.

He tried to deny it at first, to stamp it down and push it aside. Every time he felt the familiar skip of his heartbeat, the desire hitting him below the belt, he’d either pray, or drink, or take advantage of his tinder account and fuck the hottest woman he could find. It never worked, but it offered a brief moment of relief from his own desires.

 

 

The restaurant was nice, not so expensive that Sonny felt out of place. He suspected Rafael had chosen it for that reason.

The man himself had never looked so beautiful. Rafael's dark maroon button-up captivated Sonny, bringing out the flecks of gold in those bright green eyes. Sonny’s heart thumped harder every time he glanced up from his menu. Although he was normally a picture of confidence, Rafael seemed nervous. As though he was unsure of how the date would go, or even how Sonny felt.

“How was work today?”

Work.

A neutral topic. A comfortable area for the both of them.

“Good. Well, not good. But you know, we caught the guy, so that was good.”

“So it was good?” Rafael smirked.

Sonny felt himself blush. “Yep.”

The rest of the meal went a lot smoother, Rafael taking control of the conversation, steering it to topics Sonny would be comfortable with. It was almost as if he could sense Sonny’s concerns, though Sonny was sure the other man didn’t know the source.

 

 

The end of the night came quicker than he expected. Quicker than he wanted, he realised. He could have spent hours enjoying a glass of wine, a good meal, and Rafael’s company. They stood out the front of the restaurant, tiptoeing around how to say goodbye.

“This was a surprisingly pleasant night.”

“Always got to get a jab in, eh Counselor?” Sonny chuckled nervously.

Rafael smirked, stepped closer, and Sonny’s heart somehow leapt to his throat and sunk to his stomach, all at once. “Something tells me you like it.”

_Don’t. This is wrong._

Sonny blinked his thoughts away, stepping half an inch closer.

When their lips brushed each other, he was aware of the slightest feel of stubble, the perfection of their first kiss, and the overwhelming urge to vomit.

They broke the kiss at the same time, and Rafael gave him a look so hopeful and happy that Sonny forced a smile on his face.

“Until next time, Sonny.” His nickname sounded harmonic on the lawyer's lips.

When Sonny got home, he had a blistering hot shower. He brushed his teeth for twelve minutes, and slept on top of his blankets, hugging his spare pillow.

 

 

His next date with Rafael came two weeks later. He had received a text message several days beforehand while they were in a briefing together.

_Dinner. Friday night. You should wear the suit you're wearing right now._

Sonny glanced down at the grey three-piece, complete with a pale blue button-up. He then looked over to Rafael, and suddenly felt totally naked. His eyes pierced Sonny’s body, as if he were going to eat him alive. Sonny was going to reprimand him for staring at work, when the eyes left him and he was left with his own thoughts.

Would Rafael expect sex from him?

Probably.

_Don’t._

Did Sonny want to have sex with Rafael?

_It’s wrong._

He glanced over to the lawyer.

_Sonny, do not act on it._

The stirring in his slacks at the thought of Rafael’s grinding body underneath him, answered that question instantly.

_Filthy. Disgusting._

He could do this. He wanted to do this.

 

 

The dinner ran a lot smoother this time. It was a slightly more upscale restaurant, though thanks to Rafael’s clothing suggestion, he felt somewhat accepted.

They had made pleasant, comfortable conversation on topics less than pleasant and comfortable. Second dates generally meant talking about family, so Rafael spoke of his father with disgust, and his mother with respect, and his grandmother with admiration.

Sonny spoke very little about his father, highly of his mother, and playfully about his sisters.

He held back on the details of his teenage years. Of the hidden magazines, and the ‘friends’ who stayed over, and the meetings with his priest to quash his urges.

They once again found themselves outside a restaurant, dancing around the next step.

They tentatively stepped closer to each other. Rafael linked their fingers. Coarse. Large. Wholly masculine. A swell of sickness tumbled in Sonny’s stomach.

Kissing Rafael felt right, but it also felt horribly wrong. His lips were soft, though not as soft as a woman's. He was still shorter than Sonny, but the distinct lack of long hair to run his fingers through, was jarring.

“You know, my apartment isn't too far from here,” Rafael hummed against his lips.

His stomach surged with nausea and excitement. Conflicting thoughts pounded against his skull.

“I, uh… maybe we should-”

Rafael's face fell slightly, and his back stiffened. When he stepped away, the cold lack of contact had him desperate to reach out and hold the older man.

“Of course. My mistake.” His icy tone sliced at Sonny's heart.

Before he could stop himself, his hands found Rafael's face, cupping his jaw. His thumbs stroked his cheeks, softening the tension with each brush.

“I'd just like to take this slow. If that's alright with you.”

When Rafael's lips stretched into a beautiful smile, and his eyes crinkled with joy, Sonny had a brief moment of clarity. There was no doubt, no internal battle, and as their lips pressed together once again, he only heard silence.

 

 

Two months in, and Sonny had experienced near-silence the entire time. Romantic dates and tender, chaste kisses, had blanketed his clawing thoughts, smothering them until they were nothing but embers in his mind.

He should have remembered that the slightest wind can spark a wildfire.

It was a Friday night when he decided he was ready.

Their dinner had run just as smoothly and beautifully as all their previous dates, and their kisses had been sweet and breathtaking. When it reached the point that they would go their separate ways, Sonny leaned down and whispered into Rafael's ear.

“Your place, Counselor?”

 

 

There was something almost disassociating about Rafael's lips around his dick, his head bobbing up and down, taking as much of Sonny as he could.

Rafael was not the first man Sonny had fucked.

There had been three others, all through his early college years. They had been one-off flings, a single night of passion followed by crippling regret.

Sonny didn't want to regret Rafael Barba.

So he threw himself into the pleasure of sinking slowly inside the beautiful man, peppering his perfect lips with kisses filled with his love. He focused his gaze onto the crystal green eyes before him, and his hands gripped the thick shoulders beneath him, and he thrust his hips roughly, bringing them both to a blinding, deafening, blissful climax.

Sonny _really_ didn't want to regret Rafael.

His heart was pounding when they finally collapsed next to each other, searching for each other in the darkness of the room. Rafael had tenderly cleaned them both up, but Sonny felt dirty.

_Disgusting._

He blinked furiously as Rafael nuzzled against his neck, willing his thoughts to dissipate.

_An abomination._

His jaw clenched, and his teeth chewed the inside of his cheek, a welcome pain to offset the pleasure he had experienced.

_How could you do this?_

The hours dragged on, sleep evading him with each ticking minute. His thoughts were now burning, raging in his mind, blistering his heart with the truth.

_This is wrong._

But it felt so right.

_It's disgusting. Foul._

Sonny didn't want to leave. He didn't want to regret the one time he had ever felt most like himself. He didn't want to hurt Rafael. He didn't want to let go of the one light he'd ever basked in.

_You are filth. You are the cancer._

Was it truly so bad that he was grateful for Rafael's deep sleep?

As he gently left the bed, slowly pulled his clothes on, and quietly tiptoed out of the apartment, the gratitude he felt was overshadowed by hatred.

At himself.

At his feelings.

And when he his feet led him of their own accord to the nearest subway station, and his heart leapt to his throat, his hatred found a new target. One he was never expecting.

_Rafael._


	2. Fugitive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The cold light of a lonely morning reminded Rafael of a similar day. Of waking up with the sun, and reaching out to touch his partner, only to be met with emptiness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AS ALWAYS so many thanks to tobeconspicuous for ensuring that I don't go overboard with unnecessary paragraphs, and for making sure that this isn't a total hot mess.
> 
> I apologise in advance, this chapter hurts.
> 
> Kudos and comments are always appreciated!
> 
> Song: Life Goes On - E^st

Reflecting on it, Rafael realised there was never a first moment between he and Sonny. They had never been properly introduced, instead they slowly drifted into each other's professional lives. Rafael had been vaguely aware of a moustache and an accent, and he'd been grateful that their interactions had been kept to a minimum.

It came at him like a freight train.

From indifference, to curiosity, to attraction, to near-obsession. Perhaps the attraction had settled in earlier, but Rafael's discovery of it certainly came out of nowhere. He then caught himself watching after the young detective, wondering what was beneath the surface.

Rafael was nothing if not a risk taker, so asking Sonny on a date was ultimately staying true to himself. So was going on more and more dates, until he realised something utterly terrifying.

This wasn't momentary. Temporary. Sonny Carisi, with all his wide-eyed eagerness, and charming nerves, had crawled his way into Rafael's heart and made a home for himself.

 

 

The cold light of a lonely morning reminded Rafael of a similar day. Of waking up with the sun, and reaching out to touch his partner, only to be met with emptiness.

He had spent six months trying to forget about the man who had kept his heart warm, and made him feel safe amongst the death threats, and brought out a desire he had never quite experienced before. A desire to stay locked in the moment with blue eyes, sweet dimples, and an honest heart.

Six months attempting to forget, yet every morning he woke up alone, he was reminded of that morning, of his loss.

 

 

Rafael tried to move on. Not so much through dating, a pleasure he was sure he'd never quite enjoy again. He threw himself into his work, promising that his career would come above all else. He indulged himself in activities and socialising, regularly making appearances at galas and Broadway productions alike. He did _everything_ he could to move on from Sonny.

The problem was, Sonny was making it unbelievably difficult.

They had to work together, obviously. While Sonny had previously been eager to spend time with Rafael, to learn from him, he now avoided him like the plague. And if they did end up in a room together, it was almost unbearable. Icy glares, and shouted opinions, all of which Rafael was certain he didn't deserve, yet couldn't bring himself to bite back at.

 

 

The text message weighed heavily on his mind.

_Carisi has some forms for you. Play nice._

Olivia had no clue what had happened. Their relationship had never developed enough to need to disclose.

Rafael would have.

If Sonny had asked him, he would have disclosed. He would have been there for him. He would have loved him. He _did_ love him.

A knock on the door sent his heart racing.

The uncertainty of what might happen was sickening, but he straightened his back and tried his best for neutrality.

“Come in.”

No matter how many times he tried to keep things professional, his heart still skipped a traitorous beat at the sight of the younger man.

“Got these for you.”

He wouldn't even meet Rafael's eyes, and it only compounded his pain.

“Thank you, Carisi. Leave them on my desk.”

Rafael wasn't planning on it, but he found himself staring at the detective, willing those beautiful eyes that had always captivated him, to finally meet his own.

“Can you stop?” Sonny huffed, practically throwing the forms onto his desk.

Rafael cleared his throat. “Stop what?”

All he wanted was Sonny to meet his gaze, but when the younger man finally did, he wished he'd never even laid eyes on him. His nostrils flared, his eyebrows furrowed, all in all a picture of pure disgust.

Rafael knew something had happened to make Sonny leave. He'd spent months racking his brain over what the cause was, to no avail.

“Stop- stop looking at me like you've seen me naked,” he half-shouted, running an exasperated hand through his hair.

“I can't ignore the fact that I have.” Sometimes Rafael hated how his mouth ran before his thoughts could keep up.

Sonny scoffed and turned around as if he were going to leave. Then in one swift movement, he stormed around the desk to tower over Rafael.

“Listen, whatever you think- whatever happened between us, it wasn't right. I've long-forgotten about it, so why can't you?”

It hit Rafael then. Everything became so heartbreakingly crystal clear that he wanted to reach out and soothe the pain taking a hold of Sonny's heart. To reassure him that his wants and desires were not a shameful thing.

“Sonny, I-”

“No, don't.” He started pacing across the room, his breathing becoming erratic. “Don't call me that.”

Rafael opened his mouth, ready to snap that Sonny didn't seem to have a problem with him saying his name when it was growled on a moan. But he knew it wouldn't help. He knew Sonny had something to say, and he knew he had to be the one to hear it. Sonny needed this.

“Apologies,” he muttered.

“I didn't want this! I didn't want you, us, any of this!” Rafael bit his lip. The lies cut at his heart, chipping away at the love he felt for Sonny. “It was a moment of weakness that _you_ took advantage of.”

His heart was racing again, though not out of nerves. He knew Sonny was hurt and conflicted, but Rafael also knew that he didn't deserve this.

“Carisi, if you didn't want me you could have just said so. But instead you led me on for months, you fucked me, and then you left me with not even a note. If anyone has any right to be pissed, it's me.” He was somewhat proud of himself that he appeared calm, even while his temper was seething beneath the surface.

Sonny didn't seem to have the same ability, his neck flushing red.

“No, you- you don't understand…” he trailed off, his face falling, defeated. He gripped the back of the chair opposite Rafael, and hunched over it. For a moment they were frozen, unsure of where to go or what to say. Then Sonny's shoulders began to shake, and the slightest sniff came from him, and Rafael had the horrible realisation that he was crying.

That wouldn't do.

In one smooth movement, Rafael made his way around his desk. He hesitated when he reached Sonny. Maybe this would be a step too far. But the man he loved was in pain, and he needed to at least try. So his hand tentatively rested on Sonny's shoulder, and for a moment everything calmed down. The detective relaxed into the touch, and finally lifted his head up.

Those baby blues were shining with tears that refused to fall, and his nose was red, and Rafael felt himself falling for him all over again. The hope in Sonny's eyes was mirrored by Rafael's heart, and their faces drifted close to each other, and the heartache of the past few months washed away.

It was never meant to last.

The second Rafael's hot, shaky breath ghosted over Sonny's lips, the younger man shoved his hand off his shoulder.

“Don't you _dare_ touch me,” he spat, crushing Rafael's heart all over again.

“I just thought-”

“I don't care what you thought. I'm happy, Barba. Happy. I've got a girlfriend, and a life I'm proud of, and I won't let you fuck it up. Not again.”

Rafael let Sonny slam the office door shut on the way out. He silently poured a generous three fingers of scotch and threw it all back in one burning gulp.

There had been something so great about the Sonny he fell in love with. Because he had fallen in love with him, and he thought Sonny could love him too. But he couldn't change the one thing Sonny could never love. So Rafael poured another drink, and promised himself that he would let Sonny go.


	3. Gambling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He wasn't going to do it. It wasn't a planned tactic to relieve himself of his guilt. Still, he fumbled for his phone, and sent a single text to a number he rarely messaged anymore.
> 
> I need you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was probably the closest I have connected to the song I chose. Just as this chapter is probably the closest to my own experiences. I am a projecting little shit, but hopefully you all enjoy.
> 
> Kudos and comments are always appreciated!
> 
> Song: Need You Now - Dean Lewis

The bartender wasn't planning on cutting him off any time soon, not when the tips Sonny left with each drink he bought were so generous.

It had been a week since West Virginia. A week since he had thrown yet another live grenade into his life.

Alcohol was certainly helping to numb the embarrassment, particularly the way he was downing beer like it was water. However there was a gnawing feeling that refused to leave, no matter how much alcohol or sex he had. A desire long-dormant, now desperate to reach the surface.

He wasn't going to do it. It wasn't a planned tactic to relieve himself of his guilt. Still, he fumbled for his phone, and sent a single text to a number he rarely messaged anymore.

_I need you._

 

 

A familiar scent brought him from his drunken reverie.

“Rafael,” he let the name roll around on his tongue, slurring, turning to face the older man. “You made it.”

He didn't miss the tension in Rafael's face, but he did miss the love in his eyes.

“You texted. Although you managed to forget to tell me where you were.” He slid onto the barstool next to Sonny.

“So how did you find me?” he questioned, his head lolling to the side. The room spun, and before he knew it, a gentle hand was coaxing him from his chair.

“Come on, let's get you home.”

“I'm fine, Counselor,” he snapped, ripping his arm out from Rafael's grasp. He had accepted a lot about their time together, but there were some things he still couldn't handle. The closeness of the prosecutor was one of them. While their relationship had reached a point of civility in the workplace, there was a long path from banter to hand-holding, and Sonny refused to follow it.

Rafael lifted his hands up defensively.

“I'm sure you are, _Detective,_ but I'm still going to make sure you get home okay.” His tone left no room for argument, so Sonny stumbled towards the exit with Rafael close behind. Not too close, Sonny noticed, but enough that he felt safe.

 

 

His keys were being horribly difficult as he tried to unlock the door to his apartment, but Rafael was patient. When the door flew open, and Sonny staggered through it, Rafael quietly followed.

“You don't have to stay,” Sonny groaned, collapsing onto the couch. “I'm fine. I'm-” he started, but was cut off by a tumbling feeling in his stomach. “Oh god.”

He only reached the bathroom just in time, before emptying the contents of his stomach into the toilet.

Sonny had never felt so low.

It took him twenty minutes before he could get himself off the floor, and when he finally managed the reach the living room, he expected to be alone.

Instead, Rafael was sitting on his couch, flicking through his phone, his arm resting on the back of the couch. The room was still spinning, and now his head was pounding, and all he wanted to do was curl up next to Rafael.

“There's water.” Sonny noticed the glass on the coffee table.

He fell onto the couch, and washed away some of the foul taste lingering in his mouth, with the clear liquid. Then he took a chance. He stretched across the couch and gingerly laid his head on Rafael's chest. The steady thump of his heart picked its pace up as Sonny wrapped an arm around his stomach.

“What are you doing?” he whispered into Sonny's hair.

He nuzzled further into Rafael's chest, and allowed his eyelids to flutter shut. “I need this.”

“Sonny.” His heart leapt at the sound of his nickname. “You're drunk.”

He clung onto Rafael's perfect form.

“Don't leave. Please.”

He hesitated, before allowing his arm to rest over Sonny's shoulders, his large hand running softly along his arm. “You don't want this.”

Sonny's eyes snapped open. He did want this. He _needed_ this. He needed Rafael close; to take the ultimate risk, and hold him near, and wake up to him in the morning, and be with him.

He lifted his head from Rafael's chest, vaguely aware of the suit he had crinkled with his body. Their eyes met. A multitude of emotions were flashing across Rafael's face. He couldn't be sure of what they were. All he knew was, the world was rushing by, and Rafael was unwavering in his gaze. His green eyes, bringing Sonny's focus to his beautiful face.

He needed this.

Sonny brushed his lips over Rafael's own. A question. He did it again, and again, and Rafael returned each kiss, bringing his hand to stroke Sonny's face.

Then Sonny took a risk. He opened his lips a little wider, pressed his body a little harder, and let out the smallest of moans.

As if the noise snapped him back to reality, Rafael pushed him off.

“No- Sonny, wait.” Sonny tried to lean in again, certain that it would fix whatever happened, but Rafael placed a gentle hand on his chest, stopping him. “This isn't how you want this.”

Sonny shook his head. He had been so sure that Rafael wanted him still. That he could make up for all the pain with kisses filled with his truth. But Rafael didn't want him. Just like Aria, just like Amanda. No one wanted him.

“You don't want me.” His voice betrayed his torment, cracking slightly.

Rafael's face filled with pity. “I do.” He reached a hand out, brushing his thumb on Sonny's cheek. Sonny flinched away. It was a lie. _No one_ wanted him.

“Don't.” He averted his gaze. “Don't lie.”

Rafael didn't try to touch him again.

“Sonny, I'm not. But I won't be another regret for you. I know… I know what you're feeling is hard. I've been there. But it won't help, pushing it down. It won't.”

Sonny let his head fall against the back of the couch, willing his eyes not to cry. But the alcohol still had a grip on his body, and the tears had a life of their own, falling down his cheeks.

“I've tried- I've tried _everything_ to ignore this. You know, I fucked as many broads as I could, and I dated Aria, and I- fuck, I even tried to hit on Rollins. But it's not helping,” he gritted out, searching his ceiling for a remedy to his pain.

“Sonny, it's okay.” There was something in Rafael's voice that he couldn't quite place. “You don't have to explain yourself to me.”

He was wrong. Sonny did need to. But as the darkness crept into his vision, he realised he needed something else.

“I'm tired,” he muttered, and tried to remove himself from the couch. His head was heavy, and his body wasn't responding, and he was ready to give up when a movement distracted him.

Rafael, standing over him, offering his hand. He gratefully accepted it, the warmth sending waves of comfort through his body. Rafael led him to the bedroom, where he collapsed into the bed, not even taking the time to remove his shoes. The soft blankets provided a little more comfort.

A small cough reminded him of the other man.

“I should probably-”

Sonny's hand flew out to grab Rafael's arm, begging him not to leave.

“Please?”

Rafael stiffened under the touch, but softened under Sonny's pleading gaze. He silently promised to stay, removing only his shoes and coat.

As he crawled into the bed behind Sonny, and wrapped his thick arms around him, Sonny was certain that he didn't need Rafael's love, but he definitely needed Rafael.

 

 

A harsh light jolted Sonny awake. The room was spinning, and his head was pounding, and his stomach was churning, but the greatest pain of all was the cold loneliness he felt. The bed was empty. He reached a hand out to where Rafael had slept, holding him close. His fingers brushed over a piece of paper.

It took his eyes a few moments to properly adjust, but when the letters came into focus, his heart fluttered.

_When you're ready, all you have to do is call  - R.B._

As quickly as his heart started pounding, an acidic taste reached his mouth, and a voice he had been trying to ignore, whispered harshly in his mind.

_Don't do it._

Sonny swallowed.

He wouldn't.


	4. History

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hi.” The voice was familiar, but it had to be too good to be true. He opened his eyes. In the darkness of the bar, Sonny's eyes stood out perfectly. “I tried calling.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay the thing is, I wrote half of this right after my work Christmas party. So while it has been looked over, this may be a hot mess, as per usual.
> 
> Kudos/comments are always appreciated!
> 
> Song: Like Gold - Vance Joy. You might notice that most Vance Joy songs are Barisi applicable.

A dimly-lit bar was an appropriate setting for Rafael to wallow in his sorrows. A glass of scotch in hand, his phone on silent, and a broken heart. He was truly a sorry sight, and he had given up on caring.

He should have let it go. He had promised to let it go. But when Sonny texted him, his heart won out, and he found himself searching high and low for the younger man.

It was foolish to get his hopes up.

Instead of letting go however, he found himself closing his eyes and remembering.

 

 

_ “Quick, Raf, we'll miss it!” _

_ Sonny's youthful exuberance was a golden light in Rafael's life, leading him to moments of pure bliss. So even though he'd rather do anything than go outside into the freezing weather, he followed Sonny out of the cafe and into the cold. _

_ Sonny was gazing up at the sky, watching the snowflakes that had started to fall softly around them. _

_ “It reminds me of home when it's like this,” he commented, and Rafael could picture it. _

_ Sonny as a child, playing with his sisters in the front yard of his home, happy. _

_ The ghost of his childhood happiness was clear on his face now, his grin showcasing those beautiful dimples that Rafael fell for every time. _

_ “Isn't it beautiful?” His eyes tracked a single flake, floating gently down, until it fell onto Rafael's nose. And just when he thought Sonny couldn't smile wider, he did. He stepped forward, towering over Rafael, and kissed the tip of Rafael's nose. He then pulled back slightly, before pressing his lips to Rafael's own.  _

_ “Just beautiful,” Sonny hummed against his lips. _

 

 

“Hi.” The voice was familiar, but it had to be too good to be true. He opened his eyes. In the darkness of the bar, Sonny's eyes stood out perfectly. “I tried calling.”

He quickly checked his phone, and sure enough, there were five missed calls, and no voicemails.

“Sorry.” He knew he was being curt, but blocking Sonny out of his life was the only thing keeping him sane for the past month, and his self-preservation was outweighing his love for the man before him.

“Can I sit?”

Rafael sighed, contemplating whether or not it was worth opening the door to Sonny again. But those shining eyes were so open, and he seemed so nervous. Rafael didn't have the heart to turn him down.

“You're an adult, Carisi. You don't need permission.” 

Sonny chuckled. “I'd still like it.”

In lieu of a verbal response, Rafael gestured to the opposite side of the booth. Sonny slid in smoothly, his eyes never leaving Rafael. For a small moment they sat in silence, their eyes piercing each other, gauging how the other man felt.

“Is there a reason you're here?” he muttered finally, averting his eyes to the glass in front of him. He noted Sonny didn't have a drink.

“I, uh…” There it was. Sonny pulling his old tricks, leading Rafael on, filling his heart with hope, then cutting him down. Rafael shook his head bitterly, until a hand rested over the top of his. Tentative. He met Sonny's eyes. “I've missed you.”

Rafael scoffed. “Somehow I find that hard to believe.”

The pale hand gripped his own a little tighter. “I hope you can, one day. I want you to believe me. I  _ need _ you to.”

Rafael eyed the near-empty glass before him.

“Well, I need another drink.”

 

 

_ “You didn't have to pay for the whole meal you know.” _

_ Sonny's smile was bashful, and Rafael felt his heart soar at the sight. He linked their hands together, missing the tension that set into Sonny's shoulders. _

_ “I know I didn't have to, but I wanted to.” _

_ Sonny shook his head. “Still, it was too much.” _

_ The night sky hung overhead, and the city was still bustling, and Rafael felt at home. _

_ “Nothing will ever be too much with you.” The confession was muttered, a little reserved. But when he looked up at Sonny, and saw his face light up in the darkness, he was glad he said it. _

 

He dropped back into the booth, drink in hand. Sonny was waiting. 

“Can I tell you a story?” he asked, reaching a hand out for Rafael to hold, flashing him a hopeful smile.

Rafael pointedly kept his hands wrapped around his drink. “Something tells me you're going to anyway.”

Disappointment flashed across Sonny's eyes, only to replaced with understanding.

“When I was… when I was a teenager, I used to have a lot of friends. Guys. They'd stay over at my place a lot. A few I had- I liked them, but I didn't understand how. Then one of them kissed me-”

He faltered, a hard look settling on his face.

“You don't have to tell me,” Rafael reassured.

A tight grimace, hoping to be a smile, was Sonny's only recognition of Rafael's words. “Dad walked in, kicked him out. His name was Jonathan. I still think about him sometimes.” Sonny's hand still rested on the table, waiting for Rafael. So he reached out, and gently connected them, palm to palm, heart to heart. “My priest, he… he told me that my urges were foul - disgusting - but if I never acted on them, maybe my soul could be saved.”

“Sonny, that's-”

“Wrong? I know. At the time though… it saved my life.” His eyes watered slightly, and his jaw clenched. Rafael gave his hand a gentle squeeze, a show of support.

 

 

_ “How was your day?” _

_ Conversation normally came easily to Rafael and Sonny, but tonight something was off. _

_ “It was fine. Had a day off, so I went to visit the parents.” _

_ The words were simple, casual, but there was something unrecognisable in his voice. _

_ “All the way to Staten Island. I'm surprised you made it back alive.” _

_ The lifeless chuckle Sonny gave, should have been a warning sign. _

_ “I, uh… I saw my old priest today. He-” Rafael nodded politely, not wanting to pressure Sonny. They had never discussed Sonny's sexuality in relation to his faith, but he had a feeling it wasn't pleasant. “He's doing well.” _

  
  


 

And that's all he got. A slight mention of his priest, a seemingly perfect night, and the greatest heartbreak he had ever known.

“I'm sorry.” It was only two words really, but it seemed to give Sonny the world.

“You said when I was ready…”

Rafael focused on their hands, connected, whole.

“To call.”

Sonny's hand reached for Rafael's chin, his forefinger and thumb capturing it gently, tipping his head up so he had to meet his eyes. He had seen hope, and fear, and hatred in those bright blue beauties. Never had he seen something he could equate to love, until this moment.

“I’m ready.”

Rafael wanted to believe him. He wanted to leave the bar, Sonny's hand in his, and take the next step in their life. But they had been through so much, and he had hurt so much, and he wasn't sure if it would be worth it.

“Sonny… I don't-”

“I will spend a lifetime and more convincing you of my love for you, if you'll let me.”

His heart leapt to his throat.

“Love?”

A gentle squeeze of his hand said all he needed to know.

“I love you.”

_ God,  _ Rafael wanted to say it back. But the heartache and the pain of the past year was too much. He had always been a master of words, but they were failing him now, as he tried to find an adequate way of letting Sonny know that he loved him, but he wished he didn't.

“It's okay. I understand," Sonny muttered, and went to leave the booth, to leave Rafael. And in that moment, Rafael knew what he wanted. 

He reached out, holding Sonny's hand, keeping him in place.

“Stay. Please.” The pain he'd gone through was real, but so was the love in Sonny's eyes. 

It may have been pathetic, or spineless, but that's all he really needed. Sonny's love, radiating, filling him, completing him.

“I always will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's that? A chapter of mine ending on a slightly happy note? Who would have thought?


	5. Praise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny had always loved those lips. The ultimate source of quick sharp words, murmured praise, and sublime kisses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AND WE ARE DONE.
> 
> God this fic has been so difficult and painful and I literally wouldn't have got through it if it wasn't for tobeconspicuous. Literally, without her support (and editing my trash words), this fic would not have been written.
> 
> Kudos/comments are always appreciated!
> 
> Song: Exactly How You Are - Ball Park Music.

Sonny had always worshipped Rafael, from the moment he laid eyes upon him. Even when he was trying so hard not to, the man’s presence, his intellect, were all things Sonny revered. So when Rafael was finally ready, and he had the older man in front of him, Sonny promised himself he would prove it to him. He’d worship all parts of him, starting with his lips.

Sonny had always loved those lips. The ultimate source of quick sharp words, murmured praise, and sublime kisses. 

He traced a finger along Rafael’s top and then his bottom lip, before leaning forward and capturing the older man’s perfect mouth with his own. The kiss was soft, tender. Sonny wanted to show Rafael just how much he revered him.

When they finally broke apart, Sonny admired how red those perfect lips looked, how thoroughly kissed they looked.

He let his nose softly brush Rafael’s, before he pressed his lips once again to Rafael’s own, letting the love and passion he felt for the other man flow through their connection. He felt strong hands grip the back of his neck, pulling their bodies closer. With one smooth step, he gently pushed Rafael onto his bed, keeping their lips locked together. It wasn’t just that he loved the feel of Rafael flush underneath him, his lips and tongue discovering Sonny’s. He was terrified that if they broke apart, even for a brief moment, he would lose Rafael again. Perhaps he deserved it, but it wasn’t a chance he was willing to take.

So Sonny straddled Rafael’s hips, and put his fingers to work, popping each button of Rafael’s shirt. He relished in letting his fingers brush against his tanned chest, and kissed Rafael like he was the only source of air in the room. As his hands reached Rafael’s belt, he felt the lawyer tense.

“Sonny- Sonny wait.” 

Instantly his hands left the leather belt. “Are you okay?”

Rafael propped himself up on his elbows, and Sonny couldn’t even appreciate the sight of his bare chest. Not with the guarded look on Rafael’s face, and the fear in his wide green eyes.

“I just- I’m worried.”

Sonny reached a gentle hand out to trace Rafael’s jawline.

“Tell me.”

“I guess I’m still struggling to believe that this is something you want.”

His heart jumped to his throat. It had been two months since Rafael had agreed to give him another chance. Two months of Sonny trying his damned hardest to convince the older man of his love. 

“I do want this. I want you.” To prove his point, he let his hand rest on Rafael’s chest, right over his heart.

“Sometimes it feels like you’re overcompensating. With all the dates, and the PDA, and- and this,” he gestured between the two of them. Sonny thought back over the past couple of months. Of daily lunch dates, and holding hands in line for coffee, and stealing kisses as they said their goodbyes on their way to work. “I don’t want to waste my time on something that might not be real.”

That hurt the most. The trust that was broken, that he  _ knew  _ he had to earn back. Still, he would spend his entire life trying to gain his trust, if it meant Rafael stayed with him.

“This is real,” he whispered over Rafael’s still-plump lips. “I love you.”

He was yet to hear those beautiful words from Rafael’s beautiful mouth.

“Not all of me.” It was barely a whisper. The smallest insight into exactly what was on Rafael’s mind. His hand was still placed on Rafael’s chest. 

A different tactic popped into his mind. He leaned forward and softly captured Rafael’s lips with his own, grateful that he responded in kind.

“I love your lips,” he hummed. He then gently pressed his lips against Rafael’s cheek, and again on his other cheek.

“I love your cheeks.” He then let his mouth peck the tiniest of kisses on the tip of Rafael’s nose, remembering a perfect day where he had done that before, nearly tasting the snowflake once again.

“I love your nose.”

“Okay, I get the point.” His tone was slightly clipped, but the warmth in his eyes, and the slightest smile gracing his lips, and the blush creeping across his cheeks, told Sonny that this was what he needed.

So he kept going, pressing his lips over and over again, to his forehead, his neck, which elicited the most sensual of moans. He peppered soft angel kisses across as much of Rafael’s body as he could, taking his time on Rafael’s chest. As he reached Rafael’s nipples, he let his tongue flick out and tease, once again drawing out a deep moan, which Sonny felt to his bones.

“Sonny.” There was no warning, or hesitation in his voice, but Sonny stopped his exploration of Rafael’s body to look up at the older man. His long fingers reached for Sonny’s face, and he leant into the touch, nuzzling into his hand. He then snaked it around to the back of Sonny’s neck, hastily pulling his head up. Their lips collided in a wave of desire, and passion, and if Sonny was really searching for it, love.

His hand tentatively reached down once again, resting comfortably on Rafael’s stomach. Tension filled the older man’s body, and Sonny broke away.

“What is it?”

Rafael shook his head slightly, and tried to pull Sonny down once again. “Nothing. It’s nothing.”

“No, it’s not nothing. Tell me, please.”

In lieu of an answer, Rafael glanced down to where Sonny’s hand rested. So he lowered himself down, worshipping every part of bare skin he could find with his lips. All the way, until his nose was tickling the trail of hair leading down further, and his lips pressed gently against Rafael’s stomach.

“Rafael, I love all of you.” His lips connected once again to Rafael’s stomach. “Just how you are.”

As his lips travelled further south, and his hands began to work on removing Rafael’s pants, he heard the lawyer mumble something. It was so quiet, so small, he wasn’t even sure he had heard anything. That is, until Rafael cleared his throat.

“Sonny?” The sound of his own name brought his eyes up to meet Rafael’s perfect green ones, once again. “I love you.”


End file.
